Unfortunately for most of us it is difficult to accept, hear, and provide ourselves with positive feedback. We often discount the things we do well everyday, and rather than seeing these things as automatic strengths that we naturally possess, we have a false belief that anything to do with our strengths must be achieved, worked hard for, and overcome. I have found myself believing that our core strengths shape who we are as human beings, and that working against them, and not acknowledging/anchoring/applying ourselves in these strengths leads us to difficult moments that could otherwise be easily avoided.

In acknowledgment that there is no perfect combination of strengths that leads someone to be a successful human being in relationships, employment, families, life, or other categories, I have included what I see are my core traits. Please note – every trait has pros and cons to them, it’s how we view our strengths and make use of them that builds character!

How well do you think these themes describe me?

*Competition

People who are especially talented in the Competition theme measure their progress against the performance of others. They strive to win first place and revel in contests.

Why competitive? I believe that I have always tried to compete, but traditionally within myself. I am always moving the goal post to force myself to go above and beyond my personal limits. I have to consciously slow down and remind myself that life is not always about winning – but gosh golly I love when I do!!!

*Strategic
People who are especially talented in the Strategic theme create alternative ways to proceed. Faced with any given scenario, they can quickly spot the relevant patterns and issues.

Why Strategic? Everything I do in life has a purpose in my belief. I typically have a plan A, B, C, D, E and sometimes F to get things done. I calculate risks and benefits for most things very quickly, and like to feel my decisions are secure. I like to think of myself a big picture thinker, and often have to slow down to see the trees in the forest for each leaf! I am quick to act, because I believe there are few mistakes that can be unmade.

*Achiever

People who are especially talented in the Achiever theme have a great deal of stamina and work hard. They take great satisfaction from being busy and productive.

Why Achiever? To me I think this should be no surprise to those who know me, or know anything about my type of therapy. I am, for sure, a hard worker, and like results. I like to focus on the here-and-now, and get things done.

*Significance

People who are especially talented in the Significance theme want to be very important in the eyes of others. They are independent and want to be recognized.

Why Significance? I like recognition as much as the next guy, and want to feel valued, appreciated, and respected. Hearing that I’m helping someone like yourself makes me happy, and reminds me why I became a therapist many years ago. It helps me to know when I’m on a good path, otherwise I feel like I may be leading someone down a wrong one, and that is exactly opposite of what I aim to do!

*Analytical

People who are especially talented in the Analytical theme search for reasons and causes. They have the ability to think about all the factors that might affect a situation.

Why Analytical? Well, I think any therapist should be strongly based in logic and analysis if they are going to properly diagnose, assist, and conquer mental roadblocks in their lives as well as others. I am able to pick up cues from most clients rather quickly, learn about them, and come up with plans to assist. I believe that therapy is a conversation, and that I can find various tools to combat any area of difficulty.

What are your strengths? Want to find out? Contact me today to set up an appointment today or get information to attend my next leadership conference about practical application of your strengths!

Getting married is one of the most significant, life-changing events you’ll ever face. Unfortunately, people don’t always keep this in mind as they plan for their wedding day and not for the more important months and years that follow. Most couples dangerously assume their marriage will just work out, no matter what challenges it faces. Since nearly half the marriages end in divorce and many couples end up in marriage counseling trying to salvage their relationship, it stands to reason that this assumption is highly flawed.

Rather than leave your marriage to chance, begin to cultivate a realistic mindset that will allow you and your partner to prepare for the future. (It’s far easier to stop divorce before it is ever brought up as a viable option.)

5 questions to get you started:

1. Why do you want to get married?

Give yourself time to reflect on this one. You’d be surprised at how many people get married simply because they feel pressured by family, friends or society. If you’re getting hitched because you’re the only one of your friends who’s still single or your parents want grandchildren, you might want to rethink things before it’s too late.

2. Why do you want to marry this person?

“Because I love him/her” isn’t an adequate answer, since love is not enough to make your marriage work. So take a few moments and go deeper. Be very specific (saying “S/he is great” doesn’t give you useful information, but saying, “S/he is generous and compassionate” can). What is it about this person in particular that makes him/her different from everyone else you might have married?

3. What core values do you share with your future spouse?

This is one of those areas of a relationship where compatibility matters. Sure, opposites might attract (you’re quiet and he’s verbose), but your marriage will be on shaky ground when you don’t see eye to eye on issues that matter most to you. While it might be premature to ask someone on the first date about his/her core values, you definitely should be having these conversations well before saying “I do.”

4. What are the main differences between the two of you?

There is a side effect of love that you should know about. The excitement and euphoria of new love can blur your vision. Love-myopia will narrow your visual field until you only see how well you and your partner get along. All your similarities will be highlighted. It’s important to refocus your vision and think about the ways in which you and your partner also differ. You don’t want to be blind-sided down the road by a difference you cannot live with.

5. How do you envision married life?

You and your future spouse have expectations about being married. Conflict is likely to increase when your expectations are significantly different from your partner’s (for instance, he expects the two of you to visit his parents every Saturday, while you envision you and your spouse spending romantic weekends alone). Many couples may also have unrealistic expectations about love and become disillusioned when faced with the changes that are a natural part of long-term relationships.

When you give these questions serious consideration, you take an important step toward preparing for the joys and challenges of marriage. Share your responses with your future spouse. The discussion that follows should help you develop a foundation based on shared knowledge and realistic expectations.

Are you ready to bring your relationship to the next level?

Being in love is a bit different. It follows the seemingly nonstop intense fireworks of falling in love. The blinders come off. This is when love can be looked at more as a choice. Something that requires more purposeful intention.

A number of years ago I came across the work of Dr. Gary Chapman. He speaks of love languages. In fact, he identifies five:

1) words of affirmation,

2) acts of service,

3) quality time,

4) physical touch, and

5) receiving gifts.

I would contend that all of these expressions of love are important in a relationship. However, typically one can be the “golden key” that unlocks feelings of love in your partner.

Early in a relationship we likely don’t figure out what are partner’s primary love language is. This is because in the falling in love phase we likely do them all. As a relationship moves into the being in love phase we likely fall into our own language. If I am a word person, I may say “I love you”, “I love you”, “I love you”. It won’t unlock the deepest experience of being loved if it does not match my partner’s primary love language.

The Challenge

I challenge you to make your relationship a priority. If you are having challenges in your relationship, it may be due in part to speaking the wrong language.

You may be asking yourself, “How can I figure out my partner’s love language?”. Great question! I am glad you asked. I’ll identify two ways. The first is to listen to the criticism given to you by your partner. If you hear “You are never home” — you got it — Time is it. Second, you can also conduct experiments. Do all of them over a period of time and pay attention to the results.

Remember, the best way to get love is to give love. However, make sure you’re speaking the right language.

Here are some tips that may help you and the rest of the family recover from the death of your parents.

Resist the temptation to dismiss their death as “timely” or “inevitable”. While this is one way to rationalize the loss, it doesn’t touch your emotions. You have experienced a significant loss and you need to take time to grieve. The majority of people whose parents die are employed full time. A three day bereavement leave isn’t enough time to deal with this loss. Be aware of the need to adjust your personal schedule to take time to grieve.

Work at keeping the lines of communication open between you and your siblings. They understand more than anyone what you loss entails. Remember, each member of the family has a personal loss and each will mourn the death of your parent for different reasons and in different ways.

Find one or two close friends with whom you can talk. People often say, “My friends don’t want to hear about this!” All your friends won’t, but ask one or two for permission to use them as sounding boards. There are also professionals you may call on: your doctor, your clergy, a therapist or your funeral director.

Do something to memorialize your parent. This could be a donation to a favorite charity. It could be a memorial in your family temple or church. If possible you may want to create a permanent memorial at his or her college or university. Perhaps you would like to plant a tree in memory of your parent.

Draw on the resources of your faith to sustain you. How does your faith or spirituality address the issue of dying? How does it help you make sense of life? Does it help you answer your questions?

Kahil Gibran has written. “And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and seek God unencumbered.”

Although your parent is physically dead, he or she will continue to live through you. The values your parent gave you will affect you – for better, or worse – for the rest of your life. Take what is good from them and incorporate it more fully into your life…and be thankful for the good you received.

Message to organizations: People with rich personal lives are more productive and satisfied with their work than those on a fast track to burnout.

Seems there are lessons to be learned from the world outside one’s career path–such as trust and cooperation–that carry over into work life. More important, a rich personal life tends to be an indicator of an underlying approach to oneself and the world–an attunement to the unique visions, values, and gifts of one’s true self rather than an externally derived ideal image of the kind of person one should be.

“There are more sources of self-esteem and fulfillment open to managers who lead a well-rounded lifestyle,” claims Joan Kofodimos, author of Balancing Act–How Managers Can Integrate Successful Careers and Fulfilling Personal Lives (Jossey Bass, 1993). This helps them be more resilient when encountering setbacks at work.

“In addition, a person who is attuned to his or her deepest personal aspirations, values, and purpose is more likely to make choices that fit those aspirations rather than those that satisfy external pressures. And he or she is likely to have a broader repertoire of leadership behaviors which are in short supply in today’s organizations–such as concern with coworkers’ needs, a desire to collaborate, and the ability to relinquish control.

“They will also be less concerned with creating perceptions of effective performance and more concerned with operating with integrity.”

So, make sure your personal life balances that of your work life – just imagine both getting better!

1. Just because you forgive doesn’t mean you forget.

When you forgive your ex, you are not saying that whatever wrongs was done to you were acceptable. It does not release your ex from the wrong actions that they committed.

2. Who’s being hurt by you not forgiving?

Is it your ex who’s kept up at night with bitter rage? Is your ex suffering from physical symptoms, like knots in the stomach, because of anger from your breakup? Are they wasting a good life by plotting revenge? I Doubt it, but if you are, you need to forgive so you can get healthy mentally and physically.

3. You don’t need to know “why” before you forgive.

It is unlikely that knowing the reasons for your ex’s behavior will make you feel better or lessen the pain. It is even more unlikely that your ex knows why he or she behaved this way.

4. Write a list of what you need to forgive.

What was done to cause the pain in that past relationship? What do you need in order to forgive (minus an apology from your ex)?

5. What did you do?

No one is perfect in any relationship. As much as we all hate to admit it, both parties contribute to a break-up. Were you honest about the hurt that was caused by your ex? Or did you hide and dismiss it? Did you stay in the bad relationship when you should have left? Admit your part and move on.

6. What did you get from the relationship?

You’re probably focusing on the negatives in the relationship, but what were the positives that made the relationship last as long as it did?  Did your relationship leave you with anything (a child, passion for life, career ideas) that you can be thankful for?

7. Write a letter to your ex.

Let your ex know through a letter what was good about the relationship and let them know you forgive them. No need to mail the letter, but this is an excellent chance for you to express your feelings fully.

Now that you’ve taken the step to forgiveness, don’t look back! You’ve freed yourself from the pain that linked you and your ex together by forgiving them. You’re ready to move on from the anger and the bitterness and move to a better, more wonderful life!

Are there people in your life who are behaving in a way towards you that causes distress, sadness, confusion or anger? Is there not a shred of evidence to support the possibility that they take responsibility for this and/or willing to make changes for the sake of the relationship? Ask yourself whether this works for you.

On the flip side – do you have a trail of destroyed relationships behind you? Do you put up walls or other blocks to intimacy and human connection? Are you giving out what you want back? Ask yourself if the end result of this has brought you joy – or emptiness?

Behavior That Draws Others In:

*Eye contact
*Listening
*Kindness
*Reliability
*Physical Touch

Behavior That Pushes Others Away:

*Dismissiveness
*Inconsistency
*Criticism
*Dishonesty
*Arrogance

I’ve noticed that many people don’t understand the power of behavior to hurt others, that they have a choice not to accept another’s damaging behavior – or a choice to put an end to theirs. Our behavior shapes the quality of our relationships so it’s an important element to consider.

There are many reasons why people behave in the way they do including experiences with important earlier relationships (family of origin), defense mechanisms, how one feels about themselves and general lack of awareness. The important thing is that everyone is responsible for their actions, regardless of “why” they might behave the way they do.

Take an inventory of your life and examine if there’s anything that could benefit from change in the area of your behavior – or accepting other’s behavior. Consider making adjustments if need be. If you determine that you have healthy relationships with others and there is no need for any change – good for you! Consider yourself very fortunate – and tell one of these people how much you appreciate them tomorrow.

- Myth: Since culturally, traditional nuclear families are the norm and predominant, single parenting is an aberration and single parents are often left lonely and isolated.

Fact: Recently, single parent families have shown a sharp rise. In U.S. alone, about 59 percent of American children have lived in a single-parent home at least once during their minor years and over 16 million children currently live in single-parent homes. They are often ‘bi-nuclear’ families, where despite divorces and re-marriages, both the parents are actively involved in parenting and offer their children two separate homes.

- Myth: Children from single-parent families have emotional and behavior problems and do poorly in school.

Fact: These conclusions are completely false and untainted researches by other scholars such as that of Richards and Smiege, 1993 are generally ignored. The outcomes of the oft-quoted 10-year study of Judith S. Wallerstein cannot be trusted as it started with subjects with problems such as from ones with psychological disorders or juvenile delinquents on the first hand. Children of single parents can be as healthy and emotionally secure as those from traditional families.

- Myth: Single-parent families mean ‘broken homes’.

Fact: Parents who chose divorce or not marrying as a way of their life doe not necessarily mean that they are trying to make a broken home work. Many times, it turns out to be the healthiest choice to give children a peaceful and stable home environment. Positive outcomes in single-parent families are not uncommon and single parents are often more independent and multi-tasking and their children actually learn to handle greater responsibility. The outcome of single parent families actually depends on social network and support to the family and good communication within the family. Children of divorcees can be as healthy and well-settled as other kids while they even enjoy greater stability and happiness in their marriages, as they are more adjusting and concentrate more on keeping their families intact and happy.

- Myth: Being brought up in single-parent families is detrimental to children’s self-esteem.

Fact: Children’s self-esteem is linked mostly to the income level of the family. Since single-parent families also have single income coming in, they are often low-income households too and thus, children’s self-esteem tend to be lower too, similar to children of low-income two-parent homes. Parents can teach resilience and self-esteem skills to their children by being a model to them, boosting their self-respect and self-nurturance and make them realize that their possessions do not determine what they are.

- Myth: Families need to be self-sufficient, while single parent families aren’t.

Fact: The emphasis on self-sufficiency often produces unnecessary shame and guilt in parents who are emotionally and financially challenged, including the single parents. One has to learn to be interdependent, give and receive; taking our own responsibilities and asking for support and engaging even professional help, when needed. Parents should not become too dependent on children for social and psychological support but rather join support group for single parents as their social outlet and fun and source for emotional and child care support. Families should also engage in volunteering within the community so that they learn the balance between nurturing and being nurtured and each family member may become more mature and independent.

No matter how much potential you see in the relationship, or how much you love your partner, you can not ‘fix’ the relationship without him/her. Relationships take two people.

Prior to letting go, it may be to your benefit to have one last conversation with your partner where you state your perspective.  In some situations you might be able to ‘win’ him/her over.  Together, can the two of you develop a strategy of change? 

A few cautions:  too much persuasion on your end runs the risk of putting yourself in an overly compromised situation. If you have to beg to get your partner to take you back, then you may be over-giving, and your partner over-taking. This could result in your partner acting selfishly, not because she/he is a bad person, but rather because you over gave.

Balance in a relationship also means boundaries. When someone you love is not treating you well, step back and observe how you feel. Explore within yourself why you want to spend time with someone who is not treating you well.  Does it really feel good or are you simply wanting them out of force of habit? Or memories of what used to be?

While most people will have an opinion about whether you and your partner should stay together, ultimately, the answer to that question is an intensely personal decision that only you can answer.  Ultimately, you will have to live with the outcome. 

No one is perfect. Everyone has their limitations. The question is what limitations can you accept and which ones can you not.  Once you answer that for yourself, you might find that the relationship you are currently in, or the one that has just ended, wasn’t ideal for you – and might lead you to something better.

Maybe you’ve imagined that life with your partner would always be romantic. Or that the initial passion you had at the beginning of your relationship would never fade? That you’d have candlelight dinners or go on exotic vacations together? Or simply that you’d be able to engage one another in deep and meaningful conversations?

Instead, have you found that you or your partner are spending more and more time at work or out with friends almost avoiding one another? And small everyday conversations are leading to arguments?

Have you wished your sex life would always be exciting and fulfilling? But instead it has been rather routine, infrequent or even non-existent. Maybe you expected that your partner would always remain your best friend? That the two of you could always share any and every thought? Or that you would always be cherished and respected by your partner? Instead, you may feel unappreciated and often ignored as if you were living with someone who resembled more of a roommate than a soulmate.

Rediscover Your Love couples therapy follows a well-researched, proven method.

Wouldn’t it be fantastic if there was a proven method to re-build your relationship so that it’s once again filled with compassion, exhilaration & intimate connection? And to re-establish the joy of a passionate relationship where you feel cared for & listened to? What you’ve always heard about most other couples therapy approaches is NOT what truly works.

Rediscover Your Love follows a proven method which contains the actual key to a successful partnership! It is an approach that is based on countless hours of research with actual couples (who are observed directly by researchers).

Many people end up in relationships that have not lived up to their expectations. As a result, they feel stuck and unsatisfied in their relationship. Various life stressors contribute to the distance in relationships and couples are often feeling hopeless, dejected and are resigned to having an unfulfilling partnership in their life. Additionally, they can feel frustrated, resentful and angry towards their partner. The relationship is often not so awful where one partner decides to leave. However, any attempt to resolve issues typically leads to more and more conflict. Unfortunately, many couples then become stuck in unsatisfying & distant partnerships. This often turns into a vicious cycle where relationships become paralyzed and stagnant.

You don’t have to settle for a distant & unfulfilling partnership.
This does NOT mean that your relationship can’t be saved. Through implementing the proven tools & techniques that comprise the research-validated couples therapy method, together we can:

Resolve current conflict & past resentments.
Re-establish the connection and joy in your relationship.
Build a passionate and fulfilling sex life.
Create an intimacy filled with affection and truth.

Call me to enroll today!